


To Each Their Own

by Mardiaz173



Series: Go On, Go Home [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ageswap, BAMF Jessica Moore, Big Brother Sam, Little Brother Dean, M/M, Older Sam, POV Jessica Moore, Sam Winchester & Jessica Moore - Freeform, Stanford Era, Younger Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-18 20:09:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7329079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mardiaz173/pseuds/Mardiaz173
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Jess had known the first time she saw Sam Winchester that he was going to be such a pain in her ass, she would've--well, she still would've talked to him, but maybe had hired a therapist (for him or for her, she's not entirely sure) first. She didn't know, though, so the only therapy that the both of them are getting is Jess’ couch, alcohol, and a whole rack of shitty movies. </p><p>To be fair, it wasn't her fault that she had went up to him, the guy was too damn hot for his own good. </p><p>Still, he should've came with a warning label.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Each Their Own

**Author's Note:**

> I've been obsessed with Ageswap AUs forever.

If Jess had known the first time she saw Sam Winchester that he was going to be such a pain in her ass, she would've--well, she still would've talked to him, but maybe had hired a therapist (for him or for her, she's not entirely sure) first. She didn't know, though, so the only therapy that the both of them are getting is Jess’ couch, alcohol, and a whole rack of shitty movies. 

To be fair, it wasn't her fault that she had went up to him, the guy was too damn hot for his own good. 

Still, he should've came with a warning label. 

***  
Jess meets Sam at eighteen; he's a year older and still too hella shy to actually talk to anyone, freshman or not. He has a friend, Brady, who doesn't seem like the type he would hang out with (that whole booze and bitches, kinda a dick thing) but hey, to each their own she guesses. 

Still doesn't like Brady, though. Maybe it's a personal thing, but he sets her teeth on edge. 

Sam, however, Sam's sweet and polite when she meets him at a party on campus. He’s got a drink in hand, but he doesn't seem all wild. Hell, he looks out of place, like someone took him out of the library and dropped him there with that red plastic cup. 

It's not Jess’ fault that he's hot and causes her curiosity to flux. He's all by himself because his friend is off smoking God-knows-what God-knows-where. 

“Hey,” she greets him when she walks over, flashing him a flirty smile. “You come here often?” 

Sam lets out a chuckle. “No, this isn't really my kind of gig,” he says. 

“Kinda figured,” Jess retorts. “You look like a kid without their mom at the grocery store.” 

He laughs into his cup, taking another sip. “Sam Winchester,” he says, holding out his hand. “Nice to meet you.” 

“Jess Moore,” she replies, shaking it. “And I can assure you, the pleasure’s all mine.” She winks at him (how could she not? He's gorgeous), but he doesn't make any advances. “Well, Sammy,” she continues, “I gotta question for you.” 

Sam makes a choked sound into his drink. “Just, uh, Sam, please,” he says, kinda strangled. 

Hey, it's kinda weird, but like she said, to each their own; maybe he has a problem with nicknames. 

“Well, Sam, still got that question for you.” 

“Shoot.” 

“Wanna match me shot for shot?” 

“I don't think that's the best idea.”

“Well, then you wanna be my designated driver?” 

“I don't think asking guys you don't know to drive you home is the best idea either.” 

Jess smirks because he passed the test with flying colors and for some reason she already likes Sam Winchester. “Sam,” she says, bumping his shoulder and then wrapping her arm around them. 

“Yeah?” he asks, voice vaguely amused as he takes another sip. 

“I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.” 

Sam laughs again, but he doesn't deny it. 

Score. 

***  
Turns out, it is the start of a beautiful friendship. So beautiful that Jess announces they’re best friends a month in. 

Sam doesn't refute that either. 

Jess is winning the damn game. 

***  
Jess is somewhat of a drunken, angry wreck two hours after Nick breaks up with her. 

The utter dick. Complete and utter asshat. 

See, Jess doesn't do relationships. She has a thing against them! All gooey and emotional and shit! But Nick, she had made an excuse for Nick ‘cause he was gorgeous and nice and made her laugh and she spent two months with him.

And then he calls her a slut. Well, it's not Jess’ fault her natural reaction is to tease everyone she meets. She's a friendly person and excuse her if that's not allowed. 

Nick claimed she flirts with everyone. Puh lease, that's just how she is. And besides, it's not like Nick is Mister Monogamy either, he's definitely flirted with waitress and even waiters. She hadn't given a fuck (or a major one anyway, that was how Nick was). 

Dick. 

She's vaguely aware she's spilling this all to Sam’s shoulder, his hands rubbing her back soothingly and making agreeing noises appropriately. 

“You know what? I was too good for him anyway. Look at me, I'm fuckin’ gorgeous. And my rack, it's a thing of beauty! And I'm funny and smart (I'm in Stanford, see) and I make pancakes and cookies. Who doesn't like cookies? Everyone likes cookies.”

Sam snorts. “It's his loss, Jess.”

“That’s s’what I just said, Sam. But thanks anyway.”

“You know I'm here for you, Jess, right?” 

“Sh’yeah, that's why I came. Duh.” 

Sam laughs and maybe Jess has just had so much to drink it's messing with her head, but it sounds sort of bitter. 

“Well, good, at least you know.”

***  
Sam has her back. Jess knows that and is grateful for it. He’s there for her the frequent times she ends up shitfaced and angry and when she wants everyone to fuck off. 

He knows that sometimes Jess needs her space and to not take it personally when she doesn't want to talk with him and he watches her shitty movies with her when she does. 

***  
For the record, it isn't Jess’ fault the time they go on a date. She’s flirting with him, sure, but it’s Jess’ standard ‘I-don't-actually-mean-anything-by-this-I-do-it-to-everyone’ flirting. 

Sam says something nerdy and factual that Jess doesn't know why he knows and she responds in typical Jess fashion, “Great conversation topic, babe, tell me more about it tonight.”

To her amusement, Sam gives her a wink and says, “Sure, baby, pick you up at eight.”

It amuses Jess for the rest of the day, even after Sam leaves. 

The amusement fades fast when Sam shows up to her house eight sharp and says, “So, we had a date.”

Jess is more shocked at the fact that Sam's wearing nicer clothes than usual and his cheeks are red. 

Sam's hot and sweet and they get along fine so she goes. 

***  
They end up sleeping together. It's not so hot and kind of awkward. Sam's oddly quiet and doesn't seem all that into it.

The next day, Sam seems somewhat miserable and looks like he's regretting all his life choices. He keeps glancing at his phone like he expects it to ring. 

He tells her they can never do it again. 

Jess agrees with him and she feels oddly mature and proud of herself that she actually believes it. 

There are no more dates after that. 

***  
Sam's a pretty private person. Jess is the closest one to him and she's known him for a year. She wonders about his family all the time because he never talks about before college. 

He's got a picture of a teenage him and some kid in his wallet that he doesn't know she knows about and he doesn't let anyone use his wallet because of it. 

Jess asks him about his family once she gathers up the courage. 

“Well, my mom died when I was little so it was really just me, my dad, and Dean,” he responds after a pause. 

“I'm sorry,” Jess says, feeling guilty. 

“It's okay,” Sam says, giving her a reassuring smile. “I still remember bits and pieces of her.” 

“Like what?” Jess asks before she can stop herself. 

Sam's eyes dim. “I kinda don't like talking about her,” he says somberly. 

Jess nods. “I totally understand.”

Sam looks at her gratefully. 

“Is it okay if I ask who Dean is, though?” Jess asks. 

Sam looks down and smiles ruefully. “He's my baby brother.”

“What's he like?”

“We're, uh, we’re not in contact anymore, but, uh, just, he's my brother. What else is there?” 

Sometimes, when her mind strays, she thinks that he wasn't exactly telling her the truth about his brother. And she can't help but ask herself why wouldn't he. 

****  
Sometimes Sam looks at his phone longingly when he feels lonely. He doesn't seem all that there and he always smiles bitterly after a few seconds. 

He calls the same number fifteen times every year on Jess’ birthday. Jess knows because he doesn't have the name on it and she's memorized it.

***  
Jess finds out why he's so weird about his family about two years into their friendship. For once, Sam's the one shitfaced drunk at a party while Jess is completely sober. She's cutting back on her alcohol intake. She likes to have fun, yeah, but she also realized that she wants her liver to see eighty and with the way she was partying, that wasn't going to happen. 

Turns out, Jess likes being sober while everyone else is drunk. People make complete doofuses of themselves that she's always not remembered. Now she does and it makes her laugh. 

Sam, however, Sam seems to be drinking everything in sight. He tried to call someone today, not the same number as the mystery attention stealer on her birthday, and they hadn't picked up. Sam seems upset about the fact. 

“C’mon, Sam,” Jess says after what she thinks is Sam's sixth shot. Jesus Christ. “Let's get you back to your apartment.”

It's hard manhandling Sam back to his place, he's so fuckin’ huge. What did he eat as a kid? 

“Why don't you go to sleep?” she asks as she dumps him on his bed. His head sways backwards for a second. 

“I don't wanna,” he whines. 

“Well, then what do you want?” she indulges. 

Sam's expression turns so sad it makes Jess’ amusement disappear quick and her heart hurt. 

“My brother.” 

Oh, well shit. 

“I thought you said that you guys weren't in contact.”

“Nope. But that's s’not my fault. He's mad at me. He won't answer my calls.”

Jess knows she shouldn't take advantage of this. He's got secrets and he damn well deserves to have them. So she doesn't pry like she wants to. 

“Try again.”

“Why?”

“Cause you said you wanted him and you’re brothers.”

“But I shouldn't want him.”

“Oh, Sam, of course you should. He's your brother.”

“S’yeah, that's s’why I shouldn't.”

Jess’ mind is on the brink of something. Well, half of her mind is understanding something the other half is refusing to. She doesn't know why her brain can't cooperate to tell her, but it's not. 

“Sam--” 

“No. I shouldn't cause I wanna do this”--Sam kisses Jess on the lips quickly--”but I can't cause he's my brother. See?” 

Oh. 

Oh shit. 

Sam rambles on, seemingly ignoring Jess’ crisis. “So I can't. I just gotta stay ‘way from him. He's justa kid. My baby brother. So I can't, but I wanna so bad because he's my brother and he's so beautiful and he's so funny and just love him so much. But I can't. ‘Cause I can't do that to him and I gotta protect him even if it's protectin’ him from m’self cause he's my baby brother and I just miss him s’much. S’been three years and I still miss him e’ryday and I jus’ want Dean.”

Jess regains enough of her brain functions to speak. 

“Sleep, Sam,” she says, pushing him sideways so he could put his head on the pillow. “Jesus, just go to sleep.”

Sam goes down willingly, shifting until his head is buried and the pillow as he just repeats, “Dean,” over and over again. 

Oh God. 

***  
Jess sleeps on the couch and makes Sam explain everything to her when he wakes up. He explains how it was mostly just him and his little brother who he raised while he was growing up. He won't look at her and she thinks that he's certain that she's going to cut him out of her life.

He puts himself down every other sentence, saying he’s “sick” and “fucked up” and he wishes he didn't feel that way, but he gushes about his brother to the moon and back, adoration clear in his voice. 

Sam explains that he left to make sure his brother was safe from Sam, that his brother is pissed that Sam left, doesn't know why Sam did, and that Sam's in love and not lust and how he thinks that's worse. 

Jess doesn't agree and she’s quite proud when it only takes her a week to accept it. 

***  
They move in together during Jess’ junior year. That one is Jess’ idea and she'll take responsibility for it. They're eating Ramen Noodles because Jess is too lazy to go food shopping for anything else and Jess is kicking Sam's ass at Monopoly. 

“You know what?” she says, rolling the dice and whooping when she gets two sixes. “We should move in together.”

Sam moves Jess’ piece twelve paces and swears when she lands on Free Parking, handing her most of the cash Sam had lost because his luck fuckin’ sucks. Poor bastard. 

“Why's that?” Sam asks, running his hand through his hair annoyedly as Jess rolls the dice once again. 

“‘Cause,” Jess says, moving her piece four paces. “In case you hadn't noticed, Sam, I kinda suck at grocery shopping and am a fuckin' fabulous cook and baker. Besides, we’re both living alone, which is kinda sad.”

Sam smiles softly, lowering his head to the ground. “I've lucked out with no roommate for the first two years of college, Jess, and have been by myself since. I haven't really lived with anyone since--” Sam cuts himself off, clenching his fist and taking a deep breath. 

It's funny, Jess thinks, how much more noticeable Sam's misery is when Jess knows why he's miserable and to what degree. He's more quiet than he usually was before she had known and he certainly isn't all inconspicuous about staring at his phone anymore. Sure, he doesn't do it purposefully in front of Jess, but he doesn't try to hide it anymore. Hell, Jess is pretty sure he's seen her catch him with that photo in his wallet a couple of times before he puts it away hastily. 

Then again, there's probably not that much Sam can hide from her that's worse than him having an incestuous longing for his little brother. 

“Anyway,” Sam continues, regaining control of himself. “I don't think it's a good idea.”

“Aww, c’mon, man,” Jess groans, rolling her head back and thumping it on the seat of the couch. “Look”--Jess grabs her empty bowl and shoves in it Sam's face, trying to cheer him up--“you can't just let me live off this. That's, like, death through neglect.” 

Sam sighs, a war going on behind his eyes that Jess is sure she'll never understand.

"Sure," he finally relents, looking down. "Just don't get mad that I got some weird habits."

Jess scoffs. "Please, Sam, like I don't already know how weird some of your 'habits' are."

Jess’ eyes widen once she realizes what she had just said. Sometimes, she really hates her brain to mouth filter. She looks at Sam cautiously, gauging Sam's reaction.

Sam lets out a bark of laughter that seems to stem more from the shock at Jess' sheer audacity than Jess' actual comment being funny. "Yeah, well," he then responds, looking down and rubbing the back of his neck. "I guess."

"Awesome," Jess says, feeling a bit guilty for her comment. "And besides, I'll be a good roommate and wake you up to run with me every Friday."

"Yeah, you do that," Sam responds, rolling his eyes and then picking up the dice. Wow, Jess had even forgot that they were playing. 

Jess does indeed keep her promise, but it makes Sam oddly quiet as well that she makes him workout with her. She guesses that's something he did a lot with his brother, too, and steadily stops asking him about it so she doesn't have to bear that kicked puppy look he gets when he looks at his phone before they leave every time. 

***  
Turns out, Sam wasn't lying when he said that he had some bad habits. He leaves salt everywhere like crazy and has a thing for silver appliances. Sam can't sleep more than 31 hours a week or else he gets foggy and he sometimes yells in his sleep, which she doesn't mention ever. 

He also has like fifty million books in Latin(?) stuffed in his closet that Jess stays the hell away from because she's almost one hundred percent positive that at least three of them are made from human skin (call her crazy, but that kind of paper coloring and texture is not normal). 

But hey, like she said, to each their own or whatever. 

***  
Jess realizes she's never seen Sam truly angry when they're at a bar three months after they move in together. The reason she realizes this is because she actually sees Sam full on Hulk out and compares it to all the other times she's seen him mad. 

She's at the bar, flirting with the bartender while Sam's over by the pool table (after Jess managed to get Sam go out with her, and hadn't that been an ordeal, Jess found out that Sam's a total shark at pool, or any gambling really. It made Jess loads of cash). 

Jess isn't really paying any attention to him; she has a hot guy in front of her who's willing to give her free drinks (but not too many because liver and eighty and things) and maybe even go back to her place after his shift is over. Sam won't really care, they made a deal about hookups that the stereo has to go on if one of them's getting laid so the other one doesn't have to hear. Not that Sam's getting laid, like at all. 

So, to be frank, she really isn't paying attention to anything besides bartender's pecs before she hears the amused, oh-my-God-look-who-it-is yell of, "Is that Sam Winchester?" 

Which is the first time Jess has ever seen someone recognize Sam besides their immediate friend group. Obviously, it's Jess' sworn duty as Sam's Guardian Angel (she's totally his guardian angel, she's got some things she's totally guarding) to know who it is and gather info on how the hell this guy knows Sam. 

Besides, bartender’s pecs are gorgeous, but, as it turns out, totally not into pressing against boobs so Jess doesn't have to worry about the lost sexcapades. 

The guy is maybe four inches shorter than Sam and about a three or four years older than Sam. Jess doesn't think she's seem him around before, but apparently Sam has because when he turns to him, his gaze widens in recognition. 

"Lucas," she hears him greet, putting down his cue and walking towards the guy. Jess follows, saying a brief farewell to pecs. "What are you doing here?" 

"There was a hunt about an hour or two from here," the man, Lucas, replies. "Surprised you weren't on it, Winchester."

"I don't do that anymore," Sam replies softly. 

"Oh, c'mon, you're out? No way. Man, your dad let you do that?" 

Sam clenches his jaw. 

"Seriously, you think you can stay out?" 

"Yeah, I kinda am."

"Jeez, does that mean your bro's by himself? Or is he still with your dad? Cause I just saw him ‘bout a week ago and I didn't see old man Winchester in sight. 'Course, he could've been at the bar. You know how those old timers are, amiright?"

Sam doesn't like him, she guesses by the narrowed gaze. She's confused, though, hunting? In California? Did that happen?

Sam gives him a smile, though, that looks a bit more like a grimace in Jess' opinion. 

"You say anything to Dean?" he asks, and it's one of the only times she's heard him say Dean's name without that wistful adoration or heartbroken crack. He says it normal and even. Too even, the kind you see in movies when someone's really pissed but is trying to keep their anger checked for just a bit longer. 

"Man, now that I know you were here instead of there I'm kinda wishing I had. I mean, your bro’s hot. Like, damn, that kid has a pair of lips if I ever saw one.”

Jess is offended on Dean's behalf and she hasn't even met the guy. She's seen pictures of the kid at like ten, and, yeah, that kid would’ve probably grown up to be a heartbreaker (he was fuckin' adorable) but to hear this Lucas guy talk about Sam's brother like that pisses her off. Hell, it'd probably piss her off even if she didn't know the person he was talking about. 

Dick. 

Sam goes rigid and, shit, Jess hopes that Lucas knows how to defend himself because Sam is fuckin' tall. She has two brothers and, while the thought of them doing anything even remotely not brotherly makes her queasy, she knows that older brothers are protective. 

Raising his hands in surrender, Lucas takes a look at Sam. "Sorry, dude, forgot you were overprotective about that kind of thing. Last time I saw you two together, you broke my arm and leg for talking to him." 

Sam makes some kind of low sound. "He was fourteen, you were twenty-one. You said his ass looked very fuckable in a pair of jeans he was wearing. You let out your wackadoo repressed self near my kid brother. I think I reacted appropriately." 

Jesus fuckin' Christ. Who the fuck actually says shit like that to anyone? Let alone a goddamn kid. 

“Yeah, that kinda wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't like I was wrong,” this goddamn jackass has the nerve to say. “You wouldn't know ‘cause as you said, brother, but I was just being honest.” 

Oh God, Jess doesn't know whether she should laugh or cry because this Lucas guy doesn't even know. Jesus, Jess doesn't want to think about this guy being right because Sam's poor little brother. Jess feels awful, but she kinda wants to know what fourteen year old Dean had looked like if he had garnered all this attention. She wants to wrap this unknown kid up in a blanket and make sure he didn't have to go through what this jackass made him go through. 

Jess's mind quickly shifts to Sam, though, because he's infuriated. He's so mad, he's almost shaking. His eyes keep wandering to Lucas’ neck like he's wondering what it would feel like under his hands. 

“But like I was saying,” Lucas continues, blissfully unaware of the danger he's in. “He grew up. His lips, like I said before, nice but he's still got that ass, too. And that was four years ago, so he's eighteen now, which means he's legal and there's nothing wrong about me saying anything now.” 

Jess thinks she's in a movie. This isn't real life because life doesn't work like these. What kind of sick freak goes up to a family member of the object of their sick perversion and tells said family member about it? 

Apparently, the last straw for Sam is when the guy says something about Dean on his knees. To be honest, Jess has been slightly rooting for Sam to knock this guy’s teeth in since he started talking. His punch rocks Lucas to the side, taking him moments to recover and causing him to spit blood out to the ground. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Sam snarls. 

Lucas’ eyes narrow, regarding Sam with a look of contempt. “You gonna fuck up my arm again?” he asks spitting. 

“You say one more thing, I swear to God--” Sam threatens. 

“What? You'll do what? I wasn't the only one talking, Sam. You got to know that he puts on a show to help him hustle. It works, yeah, and I can't be the only one it works on, Sam.”

Sam punches him again and this time doesn't stop until the guy is being held up by Sam's left hand as his right continually pummels him. 

It's frightening and Jess is aware of everyone watching and the bouncers from all the way on the other side of the bar making his way over. 

That doesn't stop Sam from pushing Lucas up against the wall and pressing his forearm to his windpipe, furious and silent. He presses harder, Lucas’ hands coming down to grasp at Sam's forearm uselessly, trying to tug it away as his eyes widen fearfully. 

“Sam," Jess mutters uselessly. 

Sam ignores her, leaning down to whisper something in Lucas’ ear, who nods uneasily. Sam seems content with Lucas’ nonverbal response because he lets him go, Lucas skidding to his knees and spluttering. 

Grabbing his jacket from next to the cue rack, Sam moves towards the entrance just as the bouncers reach him, not saying another word as he makes his trek to the exit. 

To be honest, Jess doesn't know if she should follow him or if it is even safe to do so. 

It's a weird feeling. 

***  
Sam's thing for Dean is simultaneously the most innocent and non-innocent thing she's ever seen. He's protective to the point where it's obsessive. He raves about his brother, managing to turn insulting sentences into compliments just with the tone of his voice. Jess knows Sam wants Dean because he's his brother and doesn't want Dean because he's his brother. He caresses the photo on most days like it’s the only possession he has and almost rips it apart the other days. Sam refuses to let anyone touch the amulet around his neck and when anyone ever asks, he always says the same seven words no more, no less, it was a gift from my brother. He wants Dean to call so badly that Jess feels the ache and he doesn't because he wants to keep his brother safe. He misses Dean so much that sometimes Jess has to coax him out of his own head and sometimes he's in so much denial that he goes through the entire day on cloud nine just to collapse brokenly in his bed. 

Jess knows it isn't healthy and she almost laughs the first time she thinks that because what part of that relationship would be healthy if it was one? They're brothers, of course it is going to be fucked up. But it's killing Sam the longer it gets and Jess wants to help, but she can't. 

She once suggests that Sam seek some professional help; they aren't allowed to judge and everything is kept strictly confidential. Sam doesn't do anything except laugh for long ass time and sound strangely unhinged. Once he's done, he just says, “That wouldn't help,” and let's his head fall back on the couch. 

Jess doesn't bring that idea up again because she knows it's the truth. 

***  
The first thing that pings on Jess’ Something's-Not-Right Radar is that Sam isn't even trying to be quiet walking past Jess’ room at four o’clock in the morning. The times that Sam stays up this late, usually he's so quiet that the only reason Jess notices that he's going to his room is the squeaky floorboard he always forgets about that wakes her up. 

Sam's just a sweetheart like that, trying to make sure that he doesn't wake Jess up even in his own house. 

This time, though, he's talking quite annoyedly into the phone, so loud that she wakes up even before he steps on the squeaky floorboard a lot harder than usual. 

“What exactly do you want?” he says angrily. “It's four in the morning, jeez.” 

Jess gets out of her bed, yawning. She wants to make sure Sam's okay and, yeah, she might be a little bit curious who he's talking to because usually Sam is all polite (even with her) on the phone unless it's something bad. 

“Dad, seriously,” Sam continues, unaware of Jess silently following him into the living room. “Will you just tell me? It's gotta be something important if you're voluntarily calling me.”

Oh man, it's Sam's father. Jess always suspected that his father was an abusive asshole (not that she ever said that to Sam's face) because of the fact that Sam always got annoyed whenever he mentioned his dad and for some reason knew extremely good first aid with inadequate supplies. 

She's never actually asked him that, of course. She didn't think that conversation would've gone on too well. 

Jess hears a low voice from the call and makes out a couple words like sit and alone and Sam. 

“No, I'm not alone,” Sam snarls into the phone. “My roommate's sleeping. Why do you want me to sit down?”

The voice on the other side of the phone increases in volume. 

Sam sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose with two fingers. “No, sir. Sorry, sir.” 

Jess sees Sam sit down on the couch, shoulders tense and hand holding the phone shaking. She doesn't think his father said anything else, cause Sam's expression doesn't change, but she knows that something is wrong. 

Finally, she hears Sam's dad say something incomprehensible on the phone and Sam's face visibly shows his heart breaking. 

“What?” he croaks out. “What happened? How could you lose Dean?” 

Oh no. 

Sam's dad rushes to tell Sam something. 

“Why didn't you start with that?” Sam replies, face shifting to so fuckin’ relieved that Jess almost cries. “Jesus, Dad, I almost had a heart attack.” 

There's a pause before Sam's father replies. 

Jess didn't think that Sam's face could break more than it had two seconds ago, but it can. Because it does. He grabs a hold of his hair at the top of his head, clenching it probably painfully hard. 

“What do you mean you didn't find him alive?” he says despondently. “Dad…”

Oh Jesus fuck. God, Jess isn't going to be able to fix this. 

“Why did you lose him in the first place? Where the hell were you? Why didn't you tell me you lost him? No, I'm not going to calm down! He's just a kid! Why was he by himself? How could you do that?”

Sam's voice keeps raising in pitch hysterically, cracking more than once. His whole body seems to be shaking except for his hand that's clutching the phone like a lifeline. 

“Sam,” Jess says softly, walking over to him quickly and sitting down beside him. “Oh, Sam.” 

Sam shakes his head viciously. “Why didn't you--why weren't you---how could you---you were supposed to keep him safe!” 

“Sam,” Jess says again, putting her hand on Sam's gently, trying to pry to phone from his grip. “Sam, please.”

“No! He was supposed to--no! He can't." 

Jess uncurls Sam's fingers from the phone, quickly debating whether she should speak with his dad before deciding otherwise and pressing end call. She shifts closer to Sam, gently taking the phone and setting it down next to her as he curls in on himself, making some sort of whimpering noise. 

Softly, Jess maneuvers Sam so that his head is rested on her shoulder. He's not even crying, Jess realizes, once he brings up a hand to muffle the choked up noise he makes. 

Her heart breaks for him. 

Sam keeps trembling as he moves his hands around his face, to his nose, to his eyes, to his mouth, and back again. Finally, he rests on his ears and it only takes moments for him to press them against his ears hard like he wants to block out noise. 

"My brother," he whimpers desperately. "My baby brother. My baby." 

Clenching his eyes shut, he bows his head forward, the top of it brushing Jess' collarbone. 

"Dean," he continues. "My Dean." 

"Sam--"

"No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no," he repeats, shaking his head frantically. 

Jess strokes his back with her hands, trying to offer comfort she knows will do nothing. 

Tears begin to stream down Sam's face, but he doesn't make any sounds. 

After a moment of silence, Sam's mind must catch up with what is going on or something because he makes another whimpering sort of noise that Jess doesn't envy at all. 

"Dean," he says, voice unusually strong until it cracks on, "Oh God." 

He finally, actually starts to sob. The noises he makes must be painful, coming from deep in his throat and so fuckin' loud. It's complete and utter devastation and Jess is so completely out of her league that she doesn't even know where to begin to handle this. 

She doesn't think he'll be able to come back from this. 

He moves his hands to cover his face and she knows he won't. 

***  
Jess calls Sam's dad back once Sam passes out on the couch, his face miserable and red and wet and broken. She doesn't know what to do and she hopes to at least explain to him that she had to hang up on him to deal with Sam and once she explains who she is, turns out Mr. Winchester had already guessed that was the reason. 

He asks her if she's Sam's girlfriend with a strange sort of hopefulness in his voice and sighs when she denies. Jess won't ever forget the way when Mr. Winchester asks her to make sure Sam's okay and she replies that she doesn't think he ever will be, that Mr. Winchester says in a somber and slightly bitter voice that he knows. 

He hangs up after that and it takes Jess a couple of minutes to pair the hopefulness of Sam having a girlfriend and the bitter "I know," with him telling Sam to stay gone if he leaves and him not going to Sam when Dean was missing. 

Oh. 

Sam's father knows. 

***  
Sam's a wreck for days; he won't get out of his bed for any reason (Jess had to go to all his professors and explain that his brother died so he wouldn't get in trouble), he won't say a word to her, and he refuses to eat or drink anything Jess doesn't forcibly shove down his throat. 

All their other friends are worried. She keeps getting texts from them, asking how Sam is and if she needs help. None of them make a move to actually talk to Sam, though. She thinks they're all scared that they'll say something insensitive because most of them didn't even know Sam had a brother and now suddenly that brother is dead and Sam's so screwed up. 

Rebecca and Zach had been so shocked when they had found out and had looked at each other like they were thinking Well, I know how I'd feel if I lost my sibling. Jess had wanted to yell at them that it wasn't the same (God knows that Jess would admit that how she'd lose her siblings wouldn't be anything like how Sam lost his without the slightest hint of guilt), but kept her cool. Kiley and Luis had just had that expression of pity written all across their faces and Brady had seemed so shocked that Dean was dead he had made Jess repeat what she had said. 

Jess has gotten so used to the silence in the house that she almost runs into Sam's room with a bat when she hears him start to move around from her spot lying on the couch. 

Against her better judgement, she doesn't make a move off the couch to see what he is doing. She doesn't know what he's doing, she keeps hearing him open up draws and his closet in a hurry. To be honest, she's still in shock that he's moving. 

It takes about ten minutes for Sam to finish (packing, is that what he's doing?) and for him to actually brush his teeth. He enters the living room with a duffle slung across his shoulder and his backpack full (and Jess doesn't think it's books). 

Silently, Sam makes motion for the door. He doesn't look any better than he's been for the past week, bags still under his eyes and his skin tone still sickly pale, but he's got a purpose in his stride that makes Jess’ heart ache. 

She doesn't think she wants to know what that purpose is. 

His hands grabs for the door handle and Jess finally sits up, reading the situation carefully as a wave of cold dread pulses through her. 

She's not an idiot. 

“Sam,” she calls out and he turns back to her, his mask of indifference in place. “Are you coming back?” 

Sam's eyes flicker to the ground guiltily. 

Jess nods, she was expecting that after all. 

She strides over to him and engulfs him what she suspects is their final hug. Sam's arms encircle her after a moment, but they're heavy. 

When she pulls back, Sam's head makes a motion back to the door and he opens it. 

It's a sunny day, just like always in California. 

He's halfway out of the door before he turns back to her once again. 

Sam blinks several times before he opens his mouth, voice low and scratchy from disuse. “You take care of yourself.” 

Jess gives him her famous smirk. “You know I will.” 

She doesn't say it back to him as he nods and closes the door after him. 

Neither of them were that big on delusions. 

***  
When she tells the others what happened to Sam, that he just up and left because he had to go somewhere, she can tell that they're a little bit mad at her. 

Jess doesn't take it personally, they're just worried what Sam might do unsupervised. 

Jess is too, though, and occasionally she has that thought that she should've tried to stop him. 

That particular train of thought doesn't last long, however, because she's being realistic in thinking that it wouldn't have made a damn difference (either if she tried to stop him or not or if he was still here and not off God-knows-where). 

She guesses that's why she doesn't kick Brady off her doorstep when he rings the doorbell a couple of days after Sam left, he knows she doesn't like him. 

“Hey, Jess, think I can come in for a second?”

**Author's Note:**

> "What would I do without you?" 
> 
> "Crash and burn." 
> 
> -Sam Winchester and Jess Moore 1x01 "Pilot"


End file.
